All she wanted to do was drive, just drive until she couldn’t drive anymore. Until she was too tired to even think. She just wanted to escape, get the hell away. But to where? She drove, and drove, she stopped and walked and then she drove some more. She was in search of escape. When she finally stopped, she realized she hadn’t driven far enough to escape so she returned home.
Once home, she decided maybe if she went for a run, she could escape. First she ran a 5K, but that didn’t help with the escape. She went to the gym to work out, but still she wasn’t able to escape. She went shopping; she bought things she thought would help her escape.
She took her purchases home, but she still knew she needed to escape. Again she decided she just wanted to drive, she could just get in the car and drive again and maybe this time she would find a destination where she could escape. She drove as far as she could into the night and didn’t stop until she was so tired and couldn’t drive any more. By now, she should have escaped. She should be free.
Unfortunately, she realized that there is no escape. She would never be free. This overwhelming urge to escape had been with her on and off for years. It would start when she was having a good day and in such a happy mood, and then she would hit the pits. Just one word, one gesture, a look, anything can set it off, and then she has an overwhelming urge to escape. She feels she needs to just run, to escape wherever she is, the scenery, the house, the people. But most of all, she feels she needs to escape from herself, but how do you crawl out from your own skin and escape? How do you make your mind shut off and escape? The urge, the feeling just won’t go away. It has to run its course and she just has to live with it until it is done.
The alternatives she tried before – after a ruined marriage and the kids not speaking to her anymore was to drink until she couldn’t think. The escape would happen for a while until she woke from her drunken stupor. Sometimes she would escape with just drinking and picking up a guy for the night, and then she would wake and hate herself, and the escape had not happened.
She finally gave up trying to escape and now she just lives with it, and lets it run its course until the time comes when it will end. The escape will be gone and gone forever when it happens.
The hit man has been hired; she doesn’t know who it is, how to contact him or when it will happen. She just knows that it will happen. There is no going back now.
For now, she just drives and runs and finds things to occupy her while she seeks escape, and she anxiously awaits the day that the escape will arrive.
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